Why Back to School September Sees a Rise in Separating Parents

September often feels like a fresh start.

The school uniforms come back out, alarms are set again, packed lunches return and, after six weeks of summer, family life begins to settle back into its usual routine.

But for some families, September can mean something very different.

The summer holidays can place additional pressure on relationships that were already struggling. Normal routines disappear. There may be additional childcare to manage, more time spent together, financial pressure from holidays and days out, and fewer opportunities for the space that work and school usually provides.

Sometimes, none of this causes the problems. It simply makes problems that were already there harder to ignore.

By the time September arrives, one or both parents may have reached the difficult conclusion that their relationship is coming to an end.

And once that decision has been made, or perhaps even just spoken out loud for the first time, a whole new set of questions can suddenly appear.

Where do we even start?

One of the difficulties at the beginning of a separation is that everything can suddenly feel as though it needs to be decided at once.

Where will everyone live?

What happens to the family home?

How will we manage financially?

When will the children spend time with each of us?

What happens at weekends, during school holidays and at Christmas?

What about our mortgage, debts, savings or pensions?

Behind all of these practical questions are often two people trying to process a significant change in their lives, while also worrying about how that change will affect their children.

It can feel like an enormous amount to resolve.

You don't have to work everything out at once.

And you certainly don't need to have all the answers before speaking to a family mediator.

Breaking a separation into manageable conversations

Mediation can provide somewhere to start.

Rather than looking at separation as one enormous problem that needs an immediate solution, the mediation process allows you to identify the different things that need to be discussed and work through them in a structured way.

Some decisions may need attention quite quickly. Others can wait.

For parents, the immediate priority might be arrangements for the children over the next few weeks. Where will they stay? How will the school routine work? How will both parents remain involved in their everyday lives?

There may then be longer-term conversations about school holidays, birthdays, Christmas and how arrangements might need to change as the children grow.

Financial and property matters can involve a completely different set of discussions: understanding what you have, looking at the family home, mortgages, income, expenditure, pensions and liabilities, and considering what each person's future financial needs might look like.

You don't necessarily need to solve all of those things in one meeting.

Part of the mediation process is helping to give those conversations some structure.

Mediation doesn't mean you have to agree already

People sometimes assume that family mediation is only suitable if they are already getting on reasonably well or broadly agree about what should happen.

That isn't necessarily the case.

In fact, if you already agreed about everything, there would probably be very little to mediate about.

There can be disagreement. There can be frustration. You may have very different ideas about what the future should look like.

The mediator's role isn't to decide which person is right or to impose an outcome. A family mediator is independent and impartial and helps both people identify the issues that need to be addressed, explore the options available and have the conversations needed to see whether workable arrangements can be reached.

Importantly, the decisions remain with you.

You can also take independent legal advice alongside mediation. There may be points during the process where obtaining legal advice is particularly helpful before making decisions.

What about the children?

For parents, this is often the biggest worry of all.

Separation inevitably means change for children, but that doesn't mean every aspect of their lives has to change at the same time.

September can actually be a useful reminder of how important their everyday world is.

School. Friends. Clubs. Homework. Their belongings. Their routines. Knowing who is collecting them. Knowing where they're sleeping.

And, importantly, knowing that they don't have to choose between their parents.

Mediation can help parents move the conversation away from:

“What do I want?” towards something slightly different:

“What might this look like for our children?”

That doesn't magically remove disagreement, but it can change the conversation.

What if I'm not even sure mediation is right for us?

You don't have to decide that before making contact either.

The first stage is usually an individual Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, commonly known as a MIAM.

A MIAM is a confidential meeting between you and a mediator. It gives you an opportunity to explain what is happening, understand how mediation works, consider whether it might be appropriate for your circumstances and ask questions about the process.

Your former partner isn't in that meeting.

Attending a MIAM also doesn't commit you to mediation.

It is simply an opportunity to understand your options and consider what the next step might be.

A different kind of September

For most families, September is about getting back into routine.

For others, it may be the point at which they realise that the old routine isn't going to continue.

If that is where you find yourself this September, you don't need to have worked out where everyone will live, what happens to the house, how the finances will work or what every future Christmas will look like before asking for help.

Sometimes, understanding your options is the first step.

At MinusOne Mediation, we help separating couples to have structured conversations about children, finances and the practical arrangements that come with separation and divorce.

You can start with an individual MIAM to understand how mediation works and whether it could be appropriate for your circumstances.

Get in touch here.