Can I Have Family Mediation Without Speaking Directly to My Ex?

Yes. In some circumstances, family mediation can take place without you having to speak directly to your former partner.

This is often known as shuttle mediation.

It is a question that gets asked fairly regularly, particularly by people who like the idea of trying mediation but are worried about what it would mean in practice.

Perhaps communication between you has become extremely difficult. Maybe conversations quickly turn into arguments. You may feel intimidated or overwhelmed when speaking to your former partner. Or perhaps you simply cannot imagine sitting together and discussing children, money or the family home without the conversation becoming unproductive.

Whatever the reason, not feeling able to sit in the same room, whether physically or virtually, doesn't necessarily mean that family mediation isn't an option.

There are different ways mediation can be structured.

What is shuttle mediation?

In a standard mediation session, both participants usually attend the same meeting with the mediator.

That doesn't necessarily mean being physically together. Many family mediations now take place online, but everyone can still see and hear each other and the mediator facilitates the conversation.

Shuttle mediation works differently.

Instead of everyone being together, each person has their own private room. Online, this would usually mean separate virtual rooms. If mediation is taking place in person, separate physical rooms can be used.

The mediator moves – or “shuttles” – between you.

You therefore don't have to see or speak directly to one another during the mediation session.

But how can we mediate if we aren't talking to each other?

This is probably the most obvious question.

You are still communicating. But the communication happens through the mediator.

For example, you may be discussing arrangements for your children.

The mediator might spend some time with you exploring what you would like to happen, what concerns you have and why a particular arrangement feels important.

The mediator will then speak separately with the other parent, hear their perspective and explore the same issues with them.

The conversation continues between the two rooms, with the mediator helping you both identify areas where you agree, understand where you don't, and explore possible ways forward.

The same process can be used for financial mediation.

You might be discussing what happens to the family home, how assets could potentially be divided, future housing needs or other financial arrangements. Each person can consider proposals and options privately before the mediator takes the discussion back to the other participant.

It can take a little longer than being in the same room, simply because the mediator is moving between two separate conversations.

But for some people, that separation is exactly what makes a productive conversation possible.

Why might someone choose shuttle mediation?

There isn't one particular type of couples for whom shuttle mediation is used.

Sometimes the issue is simply communication.

You may have reached a point where almost every conversation ends in an argument. Removing the need to respond to each other immediately can create some breathing space and allow both people to think about what is actually being discussed.

For someone else, sitting opposite their former partner may make it difficult for them to express what they think or say when they disagree.

There may also be concerns about the dynamics between the two people, including whether one person feels able to participate freely and confidently in a joint meeting.

And sometimes emotions are simply still very raw.

None of those things automatically mean that shuttle mediation will be appropriate, but they are exactly the sorts of things that can be discussed privately with your mediator before any joint mediation takes place.

You don't have to ask your ex partner for shuttle mediation yourself

You don't need to contact your former partner and negotiate the format of mediation with them before you start.

Before mediation takes place, each person attends their own Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM).

Your MIAM is confidential.

Your former partner isn't there.

It gives you an opportunity to speak openly with the mediator about your circumstances, including any concerns you may have about communicating with the other person or participating in mediation together.

The mediator will also consider whether mediation is appropriate and, if it is, how it might safely and effectively be structured.

So if your immediate thought is:

“I might consider mediation, but there is absolutely no way I can sit in a room with my ex.”

You can say exactly that during your MIAM.

It doesn't necessarily close the door on mediation.

Is shuttle mediation only used where there has been domestic abuse?

No.

There are a number of reasons why a mediator might consider using a shuttle format, and difficult communication or a particularly challenging relationship dynamic can be among them.

However, where there is or has been domestic abuse, coercive or controlling behaviour, threats, intimidation or other safeguarding concerns, the mediator will need to consider those circumstances very carefully.

Mediation is not appropriate in every case.

Shuttle mediation isn't simply a way of making an unsafe mediation safe.

The mediator must consider whether each person can participate safely, whether they are able to negotiate freely and whether mediation is appropriate at all.

That assessment is an important part of the mediation process.

Will my ex partner know what I say to the mediator?

There is an important distinction here.

Your separate conversations during shuttle mediation are not an opportunity to have an entirely private discussion with the mediator while the other person remains unaware of what is being said.

The mediator remains impartial and cannot become a messenger or adviser for either person.

The purpose of shuttle mediation is still to help you have a shared negotiation, just through a different format.

The mediator will be clear about how information and proposals are communicated between the two of you and what confidentiality means within the process.

Your initial MIAM, however, is different. That is your individual meeting with the mediator and provides an opportunity to discuss your circumstances confidentially before mediation begins.

Does choosing shuttle mediation mean we've failed at communicating?

Absolutely not.

The aim isn't to prove that you can sit in the same room together.

The aim is to find a process in which both people can participate effectively and have the conversations that need to happen.

For some separating couples, sitting together works very well.

For others, separate rooms can reduce confrontation, give each person more time to think and make an otherwise extremely difficult conversation manageable.

And the format doesn't necessarily have to remain the same forever.

Depending on the circumstances, people may begin mediation using shuttle and later feel able to have some conversations together. Others may use shuttle throughout the entire process.

There isn't one correct way to mediate.

What if we have children together?

This is where I think shuttle mediation can sometimes have another purpose.

You may not want to speak directly to your former partner now, but if you have children together, there are likely to be many years of parenting ahead.

School events will happen. Birthdays will come around. Arrangements will change. Children will grow up and their needs will change too.

Mediation doesn't have to force communication before you are ready.

But where appropriate, children arrangements mediation can help parents begin to find ways of communicating that are less difficult and more focused on their children.

That may start with the mediator carrying the conversation between two separate rooms.

It may eventually look different.

You don't have to decide the format before you start

If you are considering family mediation but the thought of speaking directly to your former partner is stopping you from taking the first step, you don't need to decide for yourself whether shuttle mediation is the answer.

Start with the MIAM.

Tell the mediator what you are worried about.

Explain what communication currently looks like between you and your former partner and what would make it difficult for you to participate.

From there, the mediator can consider whether mediation is appropriate and talk you through the different ways it could potentially work.

You don't need to be comfortable sitting opposite your former partner before you ask about your options.

Sometimes, finding a different way to have the conversation is exactly where mediation begins.

Get in touch with MinusOne Mediation to discuss your circumstances and the next steps.